Today, I could not stop thinking of Devin. My mind swirled and flowed; I woke up at 5:00 AM from a dazed dream of him.
I felt crazy—silly and goofy for crushing on a guy. I am not "that kind of girl," the flaky little crushy girl, but I could not get his dimples out of my mind at all. I kept thinking of him so much that all I wanted to do was permeate my time with him.
I had to go to a session today, and when Mom came out and told me it was time to go, I declined. I said I would walk to the session; it was 72° out, and I had all day to get there. I wanted to bask outside and then float on a "Devin cloud" to the session and secretly stare at his brown eyes and dimples.
I walked, my sneakers hitting the pavement in a rhythm that matched the "Devin, Devin, Devin" pulsing in my head.
The air was perfect—that kind of soft, gold-tinted afternoon where everything looks like it has a filter on it. I took the long way, through the park where the shadows of the trees stretched out like they were reaching for something, just like I was.
By the time I reached the building, my heart was doing that annoying, fluttery thing against my ribs. I took a breath, smoothed my hair, and stepped inside.
I saw him before he saw me. He was leaning against the doorframe, checking his watch, and then he looked up. Those brown eyes locked onto mine, and for a second, the "Devin cloud" I’d been floating on evaporated, leaving me standing there, totally exposed.
"You walked?" he asked, his voice low and easy.
"I did," I said, trying to sound like a girl who just casually walks miles in the sun and not a girl who had spent the last three hours mentally cataloging his facial features.
Then it happened. He laughed at something I hadn't even finished saying yet, and there they were—those dimples. They weren't just marks on his face; they were tiny craters of chaos that made me forget my own name. I stood there, pretending to listen to the logistics of the session, but secretly, I was just memorizing the way the light hit the amber flecks in his eyes.
I realized then that I wasn't just "crushing." I was submerged.
As we walked into the room together, our shoulders brushed for a fraction of a second. It was a tiny spark, but in my head, it was a firework. I sat down, opened my notebook, and tried to look professional, but the only thing I could think about was how 72° felt freezing compared to the heat of sitting three feet away from him.
I wasn't "that girl"—until today. And honestly? Today, I didn't mind being her at all.
Devin is still in my mind. I cannot sleep. I cannot eat. I am twitterpated. My mind glows when he is around, and I am surprised no one has noticed that I sneak stares, including him.
My mind sings his melodies, and now that this is happening, I want to talk to him, but I am so scared he will be frightened away, so I have to be normal. That has never worked, but I am willing to try.
Devin makes me forget about my trauma and my problems, and he makes me laugh. I cannot wait to see him at today’s session. My goal is to make conversation, not make a fool of myself, and not be bitter, mean, or closed off.
I walked again because this is how I decompress. I told Mom that if I did not walk, I might go crazy, so she let me go. THANK GOODNESS.
It just gives me more time to dream and fantasize about Devin. I put on my best outfit and did my hair a little differently. I skipped the lipstick and perfume and stayed natural because that is who I am. I am no fake, but I do want Devin to see me as presentable, of course.
As I walked along the sidewalk, listening to my music, I had a skip in my step.
I have been starting to feel better through all my trauma, being happy in my own skin for once in my life.
But in just a few seconds, this would change.
As Katy Perry came through the microphone singing “Roar,” I looked up from my phone and saw a black car in the parking lot of the church where we all met. My stomach dropped out of my body; it almost felt like I died right there.
No, it was not Devin, sadly. Oh, how I wish this were Devin.
My mind raced.
I walk closer, just to make sure I was not being paranoid. Then I saw the license plate.
Ryan.
My heart raced even faster as the truth settled in.
It was Ryan. The man who made my life a living hell, the man who made me and my mom move cross-country to get away from him, because he did not serve enough time for what he did to me.
My trauma felt like it was all back at once. The progress I have made in the last few weeks feels obsolete. I want to sink into my own skin. Instead of panicking and leaving myself in Ryan's grasp, I pick my phone up off the ground and dial my mom as fast as I can. Mom answers on the first ring, as always.
"Yes, sugar plum?" She answered so cheerfully.
I sigh and put my head down, defeated and sad that my mom was going to get her hopes dashed in 0.2 seconds.
"Mom, I need help. I am at the church, and I see Ryan's car, with the same license plate and all. I just sent you a picture."
Mom did not answer at first, and then I heard her come on the line, and I could feel her panic through the phone.
"Honey, stay on the phone with me. I am getting the police on the other line. I am so sorry about this. How did he know we lived here?"
I sigh
"Mom, I do not know, but I am scared!"
I see Ryan's car door open, and I run behind a tree so he can not spot me.
"Mom, he is getting out of the car, and I am hiding behind a tree," I said frantically.
I heard the police get on the line.
Mom told them everything, how Ryan was at the church where I went to meetings. I walked alone and was unsafe, hiding behind a tree from a known criminal. I could hear static, and then the police officer came on the line.
" Selene. Please stay on the line, and I will tell you what to do. You are not far from the police station."
I let out several breaths when I see Devin walking into the church. I hunch behind the tree, and he looks around, then walks inside. Ryan follows him and goes inside.
"Okay, he just went inside the church. Should I run to the police station?" I asked, trying not to acknowledge the panic that was setting in slowly.
" Yes, it's just down the main drag, you can not miss it. Go right from the church, and it's a straight shot. Just run here, hon."
At that, I turn on my heels and run towards the police station. I see it right away as I hear my name being called; it was Devin. I pretend not to hear him and run faster towards the police station to save myself from Ryan.
Of course, I can never have my moments.